smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
