Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
