hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
