she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
