i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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