When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
how does that bad decision feel?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
