If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
