someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
