I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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