Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
