I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
