If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
