Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
