My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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