turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
