How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
