A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
