hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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