Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
