now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
