i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just forgot I was standing up.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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