I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i drank out of a bidet.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
