I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
