You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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