i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
