Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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