right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
