I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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