so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
