I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
