Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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