I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
