I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
