Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
