if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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