im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
