im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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