And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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