I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
