I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
