i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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