I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
