I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
