listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
