Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
