Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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