Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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