new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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