I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
porn star boner night. come get it.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
