Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
