I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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